Motivation

I am still in New Orleans. It has been a good trip, but sometimes it is hard for me to let myself enjoy even the littlest of things. I just doesn't feel right to have fun in light of Christopher's death. But then I have to think of Christopher; I am convinced that he would be so upset if he felt that, through his death, he ruined my life. He didn't have the power to ultimately determine the quality/value of my life in living and therefore, he certainly doesn't have that power in death.

So where does that leave me? Incredibly motivated to find a way through the pain and grief to a full life. That is what he would want. In our 13 years together, Christopher gave me a very special way to look at life; he was the great observer of life. I want to honor him by considering how he would have enjoyed life and imitating him. That is what he would want.

So, that is my motivation. I need to let myself enjoy living as I would have with him here. After all, he'll always be here in my heart and mind.

I miss him terribly, but it would be a shame to let his death detract from all that he brought to me through his life.

Do you have any children?

I am at a conference for work in New Orleans this week. Today, as I made small talk during lunch, the enivitable question was finally asked for the first time since Christopher's death; "Do you have any children?"

"Yes! I have a son who died as a result of a car accident in December."

That one simple question, which I had dreaded, put an end to the question of whether I am still a mother. I had feared the question, but it was finally asked and I instinctively knew the answer. Yes I am a mother; I have a son who is at home with his Heavenly Father.

That is the hope we have in the Gospel.

Praise God!

Heaven

I am a selfish person. I was given a book by a dear friend, Heaven, by Randy Alcorn is said to be a great book that will create in us a total confidence about the prospect of spending eternity with God in Heaven. I am thankful for friends who refer solid, Bible-based, books and I am thankful for this book.

In spite of much encouragement, I have been hesitant to read this book. In talking with my friend, Lisa, last night, I realized that I am selfish; I don't see how I will find comfort dealing with the loss of my son by learning how wonderful his life is not. How will that relieve my sadness, pain, and loneliness? How will that restore to me the hope of a future, watching him mature and be used by God? How will that give me a family who will care with and for me as I grow old? How will knowing he is having a great time, help me?

From the very beginning, I have been certain that Christopher was the winner in all this ~ his is the only one who doesn't have to live with pain any more.

Still a Mom

Right after the accident, I had a terrible thought; I wondered if I was still a mom. I shared this concern with a pastor-friend of mine. This was his response (via e-mail)

I loved this response by a fellow pastor on a forum I asked for prayer for you - Today I told them of your question of whether or not you are still a Mom, articulating to them the things people experience that we would never think of if not having grieved as they do.

Here was his response:

"Damn straight she can. She is-right now a mom because her son still is.
Thank God for the Gospel."

Thank God for friends who will remind me of the truth of the Gospel.