The Ever-present Cloud

This coming Friday, I leave for a three week trip to South Africa.  I am going as part of an International Social Work class.  I am (understandably) very excited.  But, then I remember . . .

The only reason that I am going is because Christopher died nearly 7 months ago.  People asked if I am looking forward to it, but they don't realize that before this trip was planned, I had reservations for our favorite unit at our favorite condo on Ormond Beach, Florida.  Our reservation was July 12-19.  I'd much rather be going to the "same old place" with Christopher than to be taking this adventure.

Let's Make it a Wrap

From the beginning, I have hated the word denial as I think it would appear stupid to deny the accident or that Christopher died.  So, for a long time, I preferred the word disbelief, because I just couldn't believe it really happened.  Now, I have decided that I feel like I am playing a part in a movie.

When Heath Ledger died, I had heard stories about how playing the dark Joker in the Batman movie had a powerful impact on him.  I think that this role as the grieving mother who has lost her son is having a unreal impact on me; an impact I could have never imagined nor will ever fully understand.  I just want to cry out that the movies is good enough - we can call it a wrap and be done with it.  Then I could adjust back to the "normal" that I so miss.  Christopher would be back with me and I would be frustrated with his 17 year old-ness, but I would love him and he would know that.

Please, let's make it a wrap!  Please let this end or tell me when it is expected to end.  I just need to know that I will bet back to my life at some point, the life I so enjoyed, but certainly didn't adequately appreciate.

My Gentle Father

Throughout the past six months, I have been keenly aware of God's presence, but I haven't actually talked to Him.  I have prayed, but not particularly about me or the passing of Christopher.  I have been honest with people about this.  The only thing that I could figure was that I was afraid of the flood of emotion that might come with such intimacy.  I honestly didn't doubt that God could handle it, but rather, I didn't think that I had the energy to deal with it.

Over the past week, God has chosen to use dogs to show me what he wants me what it is to rest in my relationship with Him.  Last week at my friend's house, their Dog, Shadow, was reluctant to come to me when I was sitting by the pool.  I could tell he had been thrown in (there is a teenage boy in this family!).  Even though through all my time with him, I had been a faithful person who would give him attention at his request, but he just couldn't trust me.

Then yesterday, my little dog, Grizzly, was snuggled up against me, but he was resisting being held.  Then I found myself saying to him, "Just relax and rest."  Those words were as from God to me.  That is really all God expects from me.  I just need to climb into His arms, relax and rest.

Much later that day, I finally decided to "try" to relax and rest (note the irony?)  I had decided to go to Psalm 23 as I knew that was "safe".  After reading that, I turned back a page and began to read Psalm 22.  It was a very encouraging time.  The first verse starts out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  As soon as I read that, I realized why I was hesitant to go to God.  I think that I was afraid that I would find a bunch of emotions ~ along the lines of this question ~ that I really didn't want to deal with.  As soon as I read those words, I realized that they didn't resonate with me with regards to Christopher's passing.  I believe by leading me to this particular verse that God gave me exactly what he knew that I needed.  Shouldn't be a big surprise, but it is a huge relief!

I am fully aware that these emotions may come as I continue on through this terrible, terrible process, but I truly believe that God will be gently as He deals with these issues.  He loves me first; everything else comes from that.