The Real Issue . . . . Trust . . . . Faith

In ways that I have tended to minimize, I have fallen victim to people who were in positions where they were supposed to care for me and help me through the turmoil of growing up.  Some of those people failed me; they violated my trust.  That reality, that I once minimized, I now realize has impacted my how outlook.

And now, there is a part of me who is facing the same violation of trust, this time, however, I am struggling with God.  I put my faith in Christ as my Savior and Lord over 25 years ago.  I am found God to be totally trustworthy (as if I needed to experience it to make it true).  I would never even have mentioned it because this was a given in my heart of faith.

And then, Christopher died.  I am having a hard time imagining a restored relationship with my Heavenly Father who allowed my son to die.  I really thought that I had trusted him all along and this has been a huge violation of that trust.

Life has taught me that insanity is to continue to do the same thing, expecting different results.  What does that say about trusting people or a God who appears to have proven themselves to be not trustworthy.  Of course I realize that this may be a reliable mode of operation when it comes to people, but what about God.

The problem here is that I believe all I know about God.  I know that He loves me and that this is all for His Glory and my good.  I even believe that in my head, but my heart is lagging behind in this process.  Trust is not an issue of the intellect, it is an issue of the heart.  I don't trust God right now and I can't seem to convince myself to trust Him.  This makes it an issue of faith.  Faith, too, is a heart issue.  Faith is also a gift from God, not something that I can manufacture.

Some have supposed that this has been more of a challenge for me because I am generally a very competent and independent person.  I can work through things on my own, generally with much success.  I like being autonomous.  The lose of Christopher is not something that I have been able to resolve to my satisfaction;  I understand it, but I can't fix my heart.  The pain is bigger than what I can work through alone.

I have been so blessed by so very many friends who have been supportive through this process, but I have avoided the One who has the power to restore my faith.  I am certain it is because I can't trust Him and therefore am not sure that I want my faith restored.  I am not sure He can be trusted

The problem here is that I believe in the Gospel; I am confident and secure in my destination based on the finished work of Christ.  I know that I will see Christopher once again.  It is the years between now and then that worry me.  I can't live with this pain, but I don't feel like I can trust God and He is the only One who can bring healing.

This is a Big Deal - Still.

One of my biggest challenges with this grief process is that I don't like it and think that it should be over.  I think that the issue is that I tend to be apologetic for what I perceive to be a prolonged process.  I think that my biggest fear is that I'll let someone in on my grief who will tell me that it is time to get over it; like I often tell myself.

The reality is that I am not sure that I am still able to fully appreciate the magnitude of my loss.  I instinctively discount it because I am afraid that my feelings aren't valid.  Stupid, I know, because the truth is there is no reason for me to care what "you" think.  If someone wants to tell me that they could handle this better than me, I say, in spite of your arrogance, this is my one life experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Unless you have walked in my shoes, you speak from ignorance.  Because I know that, I forgive you.  Now I just need to forgive myself.  I know that this is a big deal, but I won't let me be where I am.  I just want to escape the rest of this process.  I know that this is a big deal . . . still.  

Still.  It has just been over 14 months and it feels like an eternity and it feels like it could have been last weekend.  I worry about people thinking that I have let this carry on long enough and the enemy is really me.  I just want relief.

I've been told that I beat myself up.  I probably do, but I am justified.  I want what I know about God and my status as His child to invade my life in such a way that I can let this go.

I don't think that there is necessarily a connection between my faith and my pain.  Pain does not reflect a lack of faith, it reflects the reality of a love that was G0d-breathed.  I believe God and I hurt.  I need to let those two things co-exist.

At the same time, I need to remind myself that the pain does not define me; my loss doesn't define me.  It has changed me forever, but it doesn't have to define me.  God has changed me forever; He defines me.

This isn't just about the grief and pain; it is about so much more.  I just need to remind myself on a daily basis that I am am beloved child of God.  He has adopted me willingly, just as I did Christopher.  I know how much I wanted Christopher to accept is position in my life.  I believe that God wants the same for me.

We're just talking about believing the truth.  If God gave me faith unto salvation 26 years ago, he can certainly give me faith to move forward, with or without pain.  I believe that He forgives and understands my struggle to believe.

Thanks be to God, my Father.