What I used to REALLY think . . .

In Isaiah 39 Hezekiah was warned that there were bad times coming when he would lose his possessions; there would be nothing left.  Even his sons would be taken into exile.  To this news,  "⁸Hezekiah replied to Isaiah, 'Good. If God says so, it's good.'" I have found that in response of Christopher death that there are people who would say what Hezekiah said, "Good.  If God says so, it's good."  I would have to confess that I might have felt that way, but I am here to testify that when it is you that is in the midst of the reality of losing that which you hold most dear, you find that the view is significantly different.

That is when we discover that we really believe.  Isaiah 29:8 goes on to tell us what Hezekiah really believed when it says, "Within himself he was thinking, 'But surely nothing bad will happen in my lifetime. I'll enjoy peace and stability as long as I live.'" 

As parents we know that our children are just gifts to us; we often say that they are on loan because they belong to God.  That is true.  I really thought that I believed.  But words are easy.  When the reality of letting go comes, the view is totally different.

A dear friend, who I have know since she was a little girl promoted me yesterday.  She no longer thinks of me as a family friend of someone she knows from church, but I am a friend.  What a precious gift.  The truth is that with any gift, there is risk.  I will someday, perhaps, lose her, but I will enjoy her friendship to until that time may come.

I think that we need to consciously remind ourselves of this reality each and every day.  We don't ever know if we believe it until we are faced with the implications and God, in his loving sovereignty, decides to take back that which we knew all along was his.  That is when the rubber meets the road.

Throughout the grieving process I have had to confess.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Christopher far more than most parents enjoyed their children; I have no regrets on that front.  What I have realized, is that I took him for granted.  Not him, as much as the God who gave him to me.  I thought he was mine and I missed the gift of the Giver who shared him with me.

I pray people will consider this and learn from me.  Enjoy the gift, but always, always be reminded of the love of the Giver who shared a precious child of His with you.

Amen.

Mixed Emotions

This has been a good week.  I feel like back on spring break, I made significant progress in moving forward (sorry, can't put those details here).  People noticed a change and I feel so much better.  Last night, I was even silly at bridget lessons in a way that I have not felt like since Christopher died.  It was just an overall good week.

Then, before I went to bed last night, I thought and prayed about how unreal it is that Christopher is no longer with me.  I miss him so very much.

I slept a full night, thanks to medications, but I woke up totally drained.  Later, I realized that all night I was dreaming about Christopher.  It has made for a long day.  I even overslept for my evening class, sleeping through about 30 minutes of my cell phone's alarm.

I can move forward and I will.  I can enjoy life (and I think that Christopher expects me to) and I will, but I don't think that I'll ever get over this.  There is always something that is going to be missing.  I love Christopher.  I enjoyed him.  I looked forward to seeing him grow into an amazing, Godly man who would certainly have had a family of his own.  I would have so enjoyed watching him be who I believe he would have been.

I miss him so very much, but I believe that Christopher would want me to be happy.  He loved me so very much.  I miss being loved.  I know that I wouldn't have always been first in his life - truthfully, I probably already wasn't - but I was mom; he loved me and knew that I loved him.  I miss that.  I miss that nobody checks in with me to let me know what they are doing and ask me about my day.  I miss being an integral part of someone's life.

Christopher wasn't perfect, but he was special and I really liked him.  I really miss him and yet, I am going to move forward.  I am going to have a full life and let myself enjoy what all is ahead of me.

But I'll always miss him and that's okay.

I've got to be me, but how?

I am struggling with all I've lost. December 7/8, 2007, I lost my entire family~not my family of origin, but my family. I really liked who I was with Christopher; he brought out a lot of the best in me.

It had to have been in me for Christopher have brought it out of me, right? It must still be there, but I don't know how to get at that part of me all alone. I miss who I was with Christopher and I want her back. I've never been that person alone. I see glimpses of her when I am with other people, but when I am home alone, she seems miles away.

That really bothers me, but I don't know what to do about it. I am not really sure that before Christopher, I was ever really happy with myself and now that he is gone, I don't know how to be the me that Chrsitopher brought out.

Beginning Again

I Tim. 6:12 - Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

I am so ready to take hold of the eternal life to which I have been called.  I don't think that this is something that everybody can do simply because we are eternal beings.  I believe that this is part of the promises that those who are in Christ can enjoy.  It is for today because "the old has gone, the new has come!" is the promise found in 2 Cor. 5:17.

I have a lot of "old" of which I need to let go and there is a lot of "new" that I have yet to discover.  I pray that God would give me the strength to pursue the "new" so that I, through Him, have strength to resist the tug back to that which, though painful, is comfortable.  There is a long time adage that says that old habits die hard.  For me, the hardest habits to kick have been of thought processes rather than actions.

My experience is that thought patterns are much more difficult to deal with because they are so easily concealed.  You've heard of closet alcoholics, but we must know about them to have labeled them.  Ultimately, there is evidence to be found of such damaging habits.  I believe this to be true of the habits that I have within my mind.  You may never see them directly, but lately I have had a lot of true friends point out how damaging this way of thinking has become.

I am holding myself back from being who God has called me to be; who He has created me to be.  I got a taste of the potential in Christ in my years with Christopher.  Since his death, I have allowed myself to be vaulted back to some old "stinkin' thinkin'"  Dear friends have told me that they missed the Judy that they had seen for many years now.  I realized that I was allowing who Christopher helped me to allow myself to be lost in the wave of my grief.  

This would be so disappointing to Christopher and even more so, very dishonoring to God.  It is God that has done the good work in my life; He may have used Christopher, but it was His work.  I need to let him do that work again, getting out of his way.  My over-thinking, self-centered thinking, has taken my attention away from the future that God has for me.

Father, I confess that I have not believed who you have declared me to be;  I pray that you would continue to help me see and feel Your love, making it impossible to be overtaken by my wayward ways of thinking.  I need You and I thank You that You are my refuge.  May I find rest in You and You alone.

Amen.