When will this feel real?

A week ago today, the son of a neighbor in my old neighborhood (where my mom lives now) died after a 28 year fight against cystic fybrosis. He was a remarkable young man as I knew him. I have to confess that I have failed to really stay in touch after we moved, but I have been able to stay remotely connected through friends.

Thursday, I stopped by to see Mary as I was not going to be able to attend the memorial service that night. After the usual greetings (we had already talked earlier in the week), we sat down. The first thing I remember her saying was, "When will this feel real, Judy?" To which I responded, "I'll let you know."

I think that has been one of the more difficult aspects for me about Christopher's death. Of course, the biggest challenge has been the deep, deep pain of missing him on a daily basis; I was really able to enjoy who he was and who I saw him becoming. After that, however, the challenge for me has been to understand and endure this process. I have always been very analytical and logic. What I have found so frustrating is that this horific grief process defies any logic at all.

Of course, I know that Christopher has left this world, but I still look at his pictures in utter and total disbelief. I know that he would want me to live life fully, not letting his passing have any negative effect. I know that God is good and that He loves me; He has more than proven that through Jesus. I know . . . I know . . . I know and yet, it doesn't feel real. None of it feels real. That he is gone doesn't feel real. That I can go one and live a fullfilled life doesn't seem possible. That God loves me and that this is the best for me is simply unfathomable.


A friend told me that "words really don't work, it is really all about the heart and mind." The trouble is that this defies the logic of my mind and I have no clue of how to reach my heart except through my understanding.

I think I'm in trouble.

I want MY family back.

To a great extent, Christopher's death has had the effect of throwing me back to a life I haven't known for nearly 15 years, maybe more if you consider the time I spent as a foster parent.  A friend described my love for Christopher as a force that pulled me into another world.  When he died, like a stretched rubber band that breaks, I was catapulted back into an old, now unfamiliar world.

You would think that having spent almost as much of my adult life in this world, it would be familiar.  The problem is that I am not the same person that I was 15 years ago.  Having loved and been loved changed all that.  The before Christopher world is longer appealing, but it feels like what I am stuck with.  But is it?

I feel like an alien in my own life these days.  I know all the people around me, but my purpose of functioning in their midst has changed.  Until 14 months ago, it was all about helping Christopher grown into a self-sufficient, independent, yet caring man.  I used to say that I was determined to raise him to be the man I never found;  I earnestly expected my daughter-in-law to thank me.  That was a lofty goal, admittedly, but it was my motivation.

Then the rubber band broke and I have been thrust back into this life the purpose of which does not feel familiar.  I realize that from a Christian's perspective nothing has changed (if I was doing the Christian thing right then and now), but let's be honest here.  Regardless of what we know to be our greater purpose or calling, we all get wrapped up in the day-to-day, personal story which is our little piece of His-tory.  Ultimately, it is all about God's purposes, but on any given day, it was all about seeing to Christopher's needs.  That is the way His-story manifested itself in my life.

Now there feels to be a gap.  My story doesn't seem to fulfill any meaningful part in His-story.  I don't see from where my legacy will now come.  I envisioned a daughter-in-law and grandchildren through which I would have a legacy for Christ.  This world is not designed to bestow meaning on the individual.  And I agree that the family is the most important sphere of influence.  And, when I had my family, I took my responsibility very seriously.

You see, children are what make family.  So with the loss of Christopher, I lost my family.  Yes, I still had my family of origin and, though, I love them, they are not where I fit anymore.  I had the privilege of spending 14 years in a different family and as they say, you can't go home.

I have found this to be so true.  I care deeply for and about my family, but having been in a different family for 14 years, they simply don't know me as I was known by my Christopher.  Children know so much more than we realize and it was becoming quite fun to hear his insights to that which I thought he was unaware.  He had amazing insight.

I miss being loved and known as only Christopher has ever loved and known me.  I so looked forward to watching him become the earthly head of a family.  He knew what real love is and gave freely of himself.

I miss him desperately.

I need rules

My son died just 13 months ago.  Even as I say that, I can't believe it is true.  I don't know how I am supposed to get through this.  There are no rules.  I like rules.  That way, I have a way to know if I am doing okay; no way to know if I am doing it right.

There is no one who will ever understand this even those who have been through it.  They didn't lose Christopher.  I am sure that whoever they lost was special to them, but it wasn't my Christopher.  

People say that I am doing so well.  I don't know what that means.  I am dying inside trying to do "good".  I do believe that God is sovereign and that He knows what is best, but I hate this pain.  I hate missing Christopher so very much.  I never knew that I had the capacity to love like this and now I never knew I had the capacity to hurt like this.  I have no idea how long I can endure this.

Add to that that I have no idea what "relief" would look like since I am totally aware of the fact that Christopher isn't coming back.  I don't now how you ever get "over" this and go forward.  I don't know what that even means.  I am not going to get over this.  I don't want to get over it, because to me that means that I have to stop loving him.  To love him and not be able to watch him live his life is so very painful. 

I can't see this pain ever ending because the love I never hoped to have will never end.

Accountability

The other night in class, in a kind of ice breaker (remember, these are social work classes), one of the questions presented to the group (there are only 8 of us in the class) was to whom did we feel accountable.  I gave the usual Christian response - God - and then added, "to my son's memory."  Not surprisingly, this is the part of my answer about which I was questioned.

When asked to explain what I meant, I realized that I feel a great obligation to Christopher and as a result, very accountable to his memory.  Christopher brought so much to my life.  I feel like I owe it to him to ensure that is his most significant contribution to my life is his life, and not his death.  

I feel compelled to do something with my life that reflects the wonder of all he added to my life.  To let his death detract from that would be to do a disservice to who Christopher was in my life.  I simply cannot let his death detract from all be brought to my life.

I believe this with my whole heart, but there are obstacles.  It is a very difficult balance.  I am so determined to keep on in spite of losing Christopher; I owe it to him.  At the same time, there is a part of me that feels that to live fully having lost him risks people thinking that I am over it.  

People just don't understand that I will never be over it.  I will never be the same; how could I be.  If I am able to move forward in "exciting" new directions it is in spite of his death, not because of it.  

I don't want to live a new life, I have to.  I have no choice in that, but I do have a choice as to what that new life is.  I could choose to live the life of a woman who has lost her primary purpose in life just 13 months ago.  Alternatively, I am choosing to look ahead and believe that God has something for me.

I'll leave that for another day.

My Purpose.

On the way back from Gainesville, GA, I stopped to spend some time with a friend in Pelham, GA. He and I are able to talk very openly and honestly. He has been special to me because he doesn't give me any of the spiritual platitudes and often reminds me that he knows nothing of what I must be going through.

We were talking about the void left from Christopher passing. I described it as if my purpose were a pie, I have lost about three quarters of it. Now, Christopher was still living at home and as such, was more of a focus than he would have been down the road. I feel the need clarify that I don't think that this means that he was ahead of God~who gave me Christopher to care for. This was my calling for the season that he was at home with me.

Trying to fill that void has been my challenge. Not so my a challenge, but an obsession. As I told Craig, there has to be something really significant that will fill the purpose I felt in being Christopher's mom.

I subscribe to an e-mail devotional that is put out by the Navigators. Some days just reading the short devotional is the best I can do. Today, I actually read the scripture (it was short!). Exodus 9:13-16 is one of those places where God tells Moses to go to Pharaoh and tells Moses exactly what to say. I felt as though God sent the Holy Spirit to me with these words:

• This time I am going to strike you and your servants and your people with the full force of my power so you'll get it into your head that there's no one like me anywhere in all the Earth. . . . But for one reason only I've kept you on your feet: To make you recognize my power so that my reputation spreads in all the Earth.

This is the big purpose that I as looking for: to spread God's reputation in all the earth. Before I can do that, however, I need to get it into my own head that there is no one like God anywhere in all the earth. And I need to recognized His power. The reason that I need to know God and his power is so that I will rely on Him. That is the only way that I can have a role in ensuring His reputation spreads in all the earth.

I particularly appreciate this passage this day because much of the last week has been spent talking out my vision with my dear friend Lisa. I feel called to work with meeting the felt needs of people who live in the community my church is called to serve. I don't feel particularly called to "evangelize", but rather to serve. For me, living and serving like Jesus would do will spread God's reputation. He can take it from there!

Thanks be to God that it is His job to convert the lost. I am just called to love - thereby spreading His reputation.

A good life

Through Facebook, I reconnected with a friend whom I have know since she was a little girl - probably 1st or 2nd grade.  I love her family dearly.  They have not had an easy life;  Her father has been ill for many years, apparently the result of exposure to chemicals in the Vietnam War.  There are just two children.

Her brother was in a youth group I lead while in college.  He was just in 8th grade.  He was an amazing kid.  I can remember talking to him about scripture memory.  I asked if he had to do it for school (obviously he didn't go to a public school) and he said "no"; I asked if they did it as a family and he said "no".  Finally he said he just memorized scripture because he though he should.  Eight grade and such wisdom.

He grew up and got a good education.  He was always one of the nicest kids and I believe this was recognized by his peers when he became the homecoming king.  Ultimately he married the church pianist, had two children and lived happily ever after.  Right?  Not at all. 

Their first child, I believe has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum.  Oh, what a challenge they can be.  His wife has to deal with some very difficult chronic issues of her own.  I can remember talking to him at church and through tears him telling me that the hardest thing is that he didn't feel like he was able to care for his family; he didn't know how to fix things.  My heart broke for him that day.

I just learned that they have divorced, for reasons unknown to me.  I know this young man (who is probably not so young anymore) and his heart for God.  I can only imagine the pain this situation has brought and, I suspect continues to bring as he tries to do the best for his children.  I don't know who has the children or what the visitation arrangements are, but I know for him that this whole situation would be painful.

I say all of this because it gives me a different perspective on Christopher's passing last year (oops see now it is 2009 so I can't say last year . . . . ).  I am left with a life that I couldn't have dreamed of since the day I met that precious little boy.  All my future dreams included Christopher.  I looked forward to his graduation, his marrying, grandchildren, just seeing him grow into the fine man I knew God was calling him to be.  Christopher factored into everything I imagined for my future.

In Christopher's passing, I have Shattered Dreams (a book by Larry Crabb that I highly recommend), but I don't need to have a shattered life.  God has left me with the assurance that Christopher is with Him and he has left me with a good life, albeit not what I signed up for.  When I consider this friend's situation, he has been left with a difficult life, certainly not what he signed up for.

I don't want to minimize my loss and my pain, but they need not be the focus all the time.  God has called me to this point for a reason.  I don't much like it as I had wonderful dreams.  Again, at the beginning of this new year, I am facing a new chapter and I am excited.  I'll never forget Christopher and will probably never fully be the same without him, but God has a good life for me and for that I am thankful.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I claim this for me and for my friend.

Thanks be to God.

A New Chapter

Well, today is new years day and the day that I have designated to begin a new chapter.  I my life were a series of books, there are volumes from the Christopher days, ending, of course with the accident.  That volume has not been finished as the legal process continues on.  That ending, however, has no impact on the beginning of my new chapter.

Actually, the Christopher days did not end on December 8, 2007 because he will always be a part of my life and a huge part of who I am.  As I am facing various decisions that will always include the thought of what Christopher would say.  I even think of this as I move into this new chapter.  no matter what choices I make down the road, the reality will always be that my options are different "because Christopher died."  But my goal here is to try to look forward, not ignoring the past, but focusing on the future, where ultimately, I'll be reunited with my son.

In January, I will be applying for the PhD program in Social Work at Florida State.  Effective January 9, I will be working just part-time while I take the last of my coursework to complete my Masters in Social Work.  In May, I am going to take a leave of absence from my job so that I can do my final internship on a full-time basis.  The plan currently is that I will do my internship working in a private practice that I have benefited from as they do a lot of work with foster and adopted children.  I am very excited for this opportunity.  Hopefully, this will all be finalized early in the Spring semester.

With the extra time in Spring (I've been working fully time, taking two classes so I figure that working part-time and just taking two classes, I should have some extra time), I have two goals.  First of all, I hope to commit some time a week to de-cluttering my house.  As many know, that is a lofty goal.  Secondly, my plan is to take time in the community that Door of Hope is called to serve.  My goal is simple; I want to begin to build relationships in an effort to understand better the needs of the community.

That is what really motivates me right now.  My passion has always been for the rights of children.  I think that too often, they are in situations void of hope.  One of the tenants of the Social Work profession is an individual's right to self-determination.  I think what I have seen is that in order to care for the children, we must work with the parents.  I am confident that parents love their children, but I am not sure that they realize the impact their choices have on the options available to their children.

This is not about evangelism or converting these people, it is about our call to love widows and orphans and meet the needs of the poor.  I can remember growing up in the Catholic church we often sang the song, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me."  I am simply trying to find out how best to do this.

To this end, I am considering a foundation to attract funding to serve children.  The name would be Children Deserve Hope (CDH, in honor of Christopher).  I have already registered the domain name of bighef.org (again, in honor of Christopher).    My goal is to be able to provide training/opportunities for parents and their young children in order to preserve the hope that I believe is innate in all of us until we are robbed as a consequence of life experiences.

Children do deserve hope and I personally believe that there are sufficient resources in a community like Tallahassee.  My goal is to find the resources to meet the needs identified by the community itself.