The trouble with groups . . .

The trouble with group gatherings is that there are just too many people! I have to be honest, I have never liked parties or other types of group gatherings. I've always dreaded them, but forced myself to go, knowing that I'd have a good time.

Last night, I had a wonderful opportunity to get to know my new classmates and the faculty from my doctoral program. It was a very casual pot-luck dinner. . . . just my speed. I had prepared my contribution, but, as usual, I was dreading it. It was fine, just as always, but on the way home, I was overwhelmed with sadness. It was very similar to what I experience when I leave church.

I finally figured it out! I don't like to be around a lot of people who may not have know about Christopher's death. It bothers me (makes me sad) to work so hard to be happy and they have no clue. I've had several gatherings at my house since Christopher's passing, but all the attendees knew of my loss. That somehow made having a good time okay. With these people last night, I felt so dishonest; I allowed them to believe that I am just looking forward to what is ahead of me.

Same with church. I feel like I'm just faking it, playing church, looking as if I am just all full of unwavering faith. That couldn't be farther from the truth. So, again, I feel like I am being dishonest.

And yet, nobody really wants to know or deal with this. Nobody really can say or do anything to help. I just can't pretend; it doesn't work for me.

Sad in the most unexpected places

I think that one of the things that has surprised me is the unexpected places at which sad sneaks up on me. Last night, I was watching a movie called Mrs. Washington Goes to Smith (cute title huh?). It is about a woman, probably in her fifties who returned to college (hence, my curiosity). At the end, when she graduates, her daughter tells her how proud she is.

I graduate on Saturday and, while I know that Christopher would complain about going to commencement, he would be there, and I believe that he would be proud of me. Even on Friday, there is a reception put on by the College of Social Work for graduates and their families. I would have so enjoyed having Christopher there with me and I know he would have made an appearance; that's is just who he was.

So, a dumb movie on the Hallmark Channel has a scene that reminds me of yet another aspect of my loss that I had not considered. Not what I expected; but, then again, sad is never is really much of a surprise at this point