Honest to God . . . Not so easy

During the past almost 19 months, I have been thankful that I haven't had a lot of friends who tried to console me with spiritual platitudes. You know the sayings, "God has a plan", "God needed another angel", "God is in control", and all sorts of things that I would say that I believe (maybe with the exception of the angel comments), but which provide no comfort in times like these.

Having said that, I have been found to say things that I truly believe, but I am not speaking from my heart, just my head, effectively making these my own little platitudes. The problem is that these were words based on past experience of relationship with God, not at all based on current assurances received from Him.

As time has passed, I have unrealistically expected that this would get easier. When it did, I would reunite with my God. It hasn't gotten any better and now I don't know when I'll be able to be honest with God.

There is a real catch-22 situation when you know you don't have what it takes to deal with the pain apart from God, but you have distanced yourself from Him because of so many unanswered questions.

On one hand, the questions are unanswered because they have been unasked, but how do you ask without feeling like you are questioning the God of the universe about, "What could You have possibly been thinking when You let this happened?" And yet, that is the only question that matters to me right now.

There is no good answer - maybe there is a good answer, but not one that I expect will find satisfactory. Then what am I to do?

So I just don't ask . . . denying myself relationship with the only One who can bring relief.